By Amelia A. Pridemore
Raising a teenager is difficult enough.
Imagine sitting face-to-face with a teenager and broaching the often-touchy topic of domestic violence, especially when two people whom millions of young people have admired are on opposite sides of a domestic violence case constantly making headlines.
However, the executive director of a southern West Virginia organization providing support to domestic and sexual violence victims says this is a make-or-break moment for parents. The intense focus on the Chris Brown/Rihanna saga, she says, could open the door to a positive dialogue for teens learning how to recognize and avoid abusive relationships. But if nothing is done, young people could learn more myths about domestic violence and fall into a harmful situation.
“If this doesn’t, nothing is going to,” said Patricia Bailey, executive director of the Women’s Resource Center.
Brown, a 19-year-old R&B; singer, allegedly beat his girlfriend, 21-year-old fellow R&B; singer Rihanna, the night of the Grammy Awards in February. Brown is scheduled for arraignment on felony assault and criminal threat charges Monday.
Bailey said her organization alone has seen a 50 percent increase in teen dating violence during the last year. Women ages 16 to 24 are one of the highest risk groups for rape or sexual assault. One in three will be physically, emotionally or verbally abused. Also, one in five children ages 11-14 have friends who are victims of dating violence.
“Primary prevention is the only way we’re going to stop domestic violence,” she said. “We have to start with grade schoolers, doing age-appropriate education like talking to kids about bullying. It can then progress into high schools, where we can talk about the more serious issues.
“If we don’t start when kids are young, we don’t have any hope.”
If a person considered a role model for young people commits a violent crime, that role model’s actions sometimes become acceptable. Bailey had advice for parents whose children are Chris Brown’s fans.
“I would hope their relationships with their children are strong enough to where they can have these difficult discussions,” she said. “If it were my child, I would have to discuss it. I would have to say something like, ‘I understand you like him and his music.’ After all, he has — until now — maintained a squeaky clean image.
“But you have to sit down with your kids and tell them this is extremely serious and that they have to take a stand against this.”
Likewise, parents of Rihanna fans — particularly young females — must have a serious discussion with them, too.
“You have to ask, ‘Does your boyfriend act jealous and possessive, control what you wear, send constant texts or threaten you? Is there forced sex?’ You have to talk to teens. When you’re a teenager, you’re in love and you don’t want to lose that other person.
“You have to communicate openly and be supportive. You have to let kids know that the relationship between Chris Brown and Rihanna is not a healthy one.”
Parents must also work against other high-profile figures who may spread the wrong message. According to a March 9 Newsweek article, rapper Kanye West said, “Can’t we give Chris a break? ... I know I make mistakes in life.” Bailey said a person like West is idolized by many young people, and his words and actions have significant influence. Sometimes, that can also give parents the wrong message.
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Bailey noted that during an earlier interview Chris Brown said his mother was beaten while he was growing up and he promised he would never treat a woman that way. But domestic violence is often a patterned behavior.
“If Grandma was beaten by Grandpa, and Mom was beaten by Dad, then the young men will often wind up beating their wives and girlfriends. And women? They’re going to look for love with a batterer.”
One of several domestic violence myths that must be quashed is that the victims “had it coming,” Bailey said. There is no acceptable reason for violence against another person, period. Also, domestic violence is not about anger. Those responsible do it to have power and control over their victims.
Bailey believes a key element to halting domestic violence is men taking a stand.
“Not all men batter,” she said. “Most men don’t want to batter. They respect their wives and girlfriends, and they would never dream of hurting them.
“Fathers need to talk to their sons and tell them it’s wrong to be physically violent with anyone, under any circumstances. They also need to talk to their daughters and tell them to never allow a boyfriend to treat them that way.
“If men have a friend they know is abusive ... I know this isn’t the easiest thing to say, but a man needs to tell him, ‘Look, I’m your friend. I love you, but I know what you’re doing is wrong. And if you don’t stop, everyone else will know what you’re doing, too.’”
Bailey emphasized the WRC is available to speak to school children, providing age-appropriate education and letting them know the facts. There may be a child in one of these classes who needs to understand what is happening in their own homes and what they should do.
Domestic violence is the No. 1 cause of death for women in the U.S., Bailey noted.
“It’s more than car wrecks or muggings,” she said. “West Virginia is 14th in the nation for domestic violence homicides, at a rate of about two a month. We can’t ignore the seriousness of domestic violence anymore. We can’t.”
— E-mail: apridemore@register-herald.com
