Published: December 21, 2007 10:40 pm      

Director says season good time to catch cheaters

Although infidelity can occur virtually at any time, according to some experts, Christmas is one of the main times to catch a cheating spouse.

Hamlet Smith, director of Life Strategies Counseling Services, said there are a multitude of reasons why cheaters can become more transparent during the holiday season.

“Christmas is an easier time because people are purchasing gifts and the matter can be as simple as checking the credit card statements,” Smith explained. “If you see a diamond necklace on the statement and you don’t happen to get it at Christmas, you start to wonder.”

Even without looking at credit card statements, there are other methods of finding out. One of the main things, according to Smith, is erratic behavior.

“Sometimes a person can have a drastic change in behavior such as staying out late at work every night or taking more fishing trips, or what have you,” he said. “When asked about the event, a person who isn’t guilty would answer the question matter-of-factly, but the person who is cheating might get angry or defensive.”

After finding out about it, a person tends to have the urge to confront the person angrily, but Smith said to avoid this. Instead, he recommends certain steps to people. The first of these steps is to face the problem realistically.

“You have to confront your own perception of reality because it’s not something that you can or should ignore,” he said. “There are always things that you could have done better in the relationship, but you are not the main cause.”

The main cause, he said, is a person’s greed. Smith said it can be in a person’s nature to have greed in this way and that self-discipline is one of the main things to teach a person to stay away from it.

“Any decision we make shapes our behavior,” he said. “Choices determine habits. Habits determine character and character determines your destiny.”

The final and most important step is to gather people around for support.

“The main thing is to find support such as in a trusted family member, a friend, a church leader or a professional counselor,” he said. “If you try to deal with it yourself, it can make you feel crazy.”

According to Smith, this time of year especially can be a tough time to confront the cheater. He said most of the time, people tend to wait until after the holiday in order to spare children from emotional distress.

“Cheating is devastating to families and children,” he said “What’s awful is that there are people over this holiday that will find out that their spouse is cheating and then just leave.”

Sometimes, however, people want to make things better but they have little hope of doing so. When this happens, Smith said even he is surprised when their marriages recover.

“What I thought as a kid was that if someone cheats, then they divorce,” he said. “Now, I have a more different view. If someone cheats, then there are ways to repair the marriage.”