The Register-Herald, Beckley, West Virginia

November 7, 2012

Our Readers Speak — Wednesday, Nov. 7, 2012

Suppose you are a lady or a gent so completely dumb that the dogs in the streets snicker as you go by. You have no books in your house, yet want to be looked upon as educated. Can technology help, you ask?

Of course. Let nobody think that only bookworms can be smart. The handy-dandy latest e-book or computer is the answer. Google everything! Ride the Internet!

Why be a dumb dud in Wyoming County (or anywhere else)? Don’t let friends college-bound shun you! Don’t allow people to cross the street (or laugh) when they see you approaching. When you misspell a word, botch a math problem, forget (or never know) a historical fact — simply pull out your laptop and astound them with your ability at pushing buttons. (Oops! Sorry! Now all you do is gesture and magic appears!) Without these modern fads you might as well be dead (or taking your GED, which is so uncool). Nerds rule the world! Geeks use their machines.

Now are you the guy tall, dark and handsome? Or merely the nitwit or luddite that can’t hold a decent job or conversation? No need to ask Dear Abby for a solution! A good gizmo answers dense questions in a voice far more pleasant than your own unmanly or unfeminine quack, and gives answers that will astonish people with your brilliance and sparkle.

Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet” is so outdated! Now you can quote world-class poetry and romanticize your sweetheart by finding the best in the latest recording device!

All of this has taken me longer to say than your computer would. To be an old hand at writing letters takes infinite patience and you must do a lot of reading. Phooey with it. “In today’s fast world, who has the time?”

By the way, those smug, self-conceited writers of this newspaper have used hundreds of forgotten books (plus a few new ones); every column an exquisite piece of forgery; not a single one truly original, you know. They rule the riches of countless better minds to create a good article of their own! Why bother? Licker and the computer are quicker!

Lonnie Bailey