John Blankenship
Register-Herald Columnist
November 06, 2008 09:36 pm
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Anyone who has ever been to North Carolina (pronounced Nawth Cowlina) soon learns that folks down in the Tar Heel State speak a charming manner of English.
Some of the remnants of this way of speaking have migrated north into the southern reaches of the Mountain State.
But to enjoy the full effects of the colorful brogue, you have to visit the folks around High Point, N.C., or their kith and kin just down the road in nearby towns and hamlets where one-syllable words often roll off the tongue of the speaker in two syllables.
Some examples are printed below:
BONE — Blessed event, i.e., “I was bone in Charleston.”
BOTTLE — A military engagement.
BRAID — What you make toe-est from, to go along with beckon and a-igs for brake-fuss.
BUCKS — Something the library is full of.
CALLER — Part of a shirt that goes around the neck.
CUP — A place called home by hens, i.e., “Where’s Wooly? Wooly’s payntin’s the hen cup.”
FRUSTRATE — Tops: initial ranking.
GO IT — A smelly animal which eats tin cans.
HEM — Meat from a pig. Not to be confused, however, with poke or beckon.
HERRING — The auditory function, i.e., “Papa is hard of herring.”
ICE COOL — The institution of learning which stands midway between gramma school and collitch.
LUCK — To direct one’s gaze, i.e., “Luck year, Papa, what Bubber did to your match balks.”
MINE EYES — Salad dressing.
PLAY-IT — Something you eat grits off of.
SEX — One less than seven, two less than eh-et, three less than noine and foe less than tin.
SNOW — To breathe loudly and heavily while sleeping.
TARRED — Weary.
TON — To Swerve. To ton around.
TIN SIN STOW — The foive and doime.
TRAFFIC — Something stupendous, as a movie that is beyond colossal or epic.
VERSION — The kind of queen Elizabeth I was.
VERTIGO — What happened to HIM?
WRETCHED — The long name for the nickname, “Dick.”
And don’t forget FEVER STICK — A thermometer used by physicians and nurses, and HEADING — Pillows. As “Have you got enough heading?”
You might be interested to know that in 2000 alone 2 million adults with 1 million children became available for remarriage.
The 2000 census indicated that 12.4 million children under 18 live with remarried parents, and it is estimated that 15 million children are now living in stepfamilies.
More than 80 percent of stepfamilies are the result of divorce, and many more fathers than ever before now obtain custody of their children and live with them.
Get even by using the sharpest weapon of them all — humor. Here are some favorites:
I’m not going to engage in a battle of wits with you … I never attack an unarmed man.
If Moses had known you, there would have been another commandment.
You have a ready wit. Let me know when it’s ready.
I’d like to say we’re glad you’re here. I like to say it…
I’m going to name my first ulcer after you.
Don’t move; I want to forget you just the way you are.
Is your family happy? Or do you go home at night?
It’s nice hearing from you. Next time, send me a postcard.
Teenage fashion statement: Looking forward to summer again so she could take a planned cruise after graduation, a high school senior had just come in from shopping for sports clothes and was showing her mother her purchases.
“How do you like this darling bikini I bought at Wal-Mart?” she asked, holding up two extremely wispy bits of cloth.
“All I can say for sure,” said her mother, “is that if I had worn that when I was your age, you’d be four years older than you are right now.”
Top o’ the morning!
— Blankenship is a columnist for The Register-Herald.
E-mail: jabbb@suddenlink.net
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