Published: September 20, 2008 09:43 pm         

Author gives tips for getting out the door on time

A typically bad morning produced some life-changing attitudes for a parent educator and author.

A working mom, Bonnie Harris dreaded the daily push-pull relationship with her preschooler who hated mornings as much as her mother.

“She was my button-pushing child from the beginning,” Harris said in a telephone interview from her Massachusetts home. “Every morning, once I had dragged her out of bed, her lower lip would curl up, and she would wail ‘I won’t go to school, and you can’t make me!’ The power struggle was on. I was blaming her for making me late for work, and when we finally left the house, neither of us felt good about how things were going.”

Like so many other moms, Harris saw her child as an adversary, just out to pick a fight with a parent. She immediately went on the defensive, and both mother and child were miserable.

“One morning, nothing changed, except that I suddenly saw Molly differently,” Harris said. “I realized she wasn’t behaving that way on purpose. She was miserable. She wasn’t a problem. She HAD a problem.”

Harris sat down on the floor and drew the pouting child into her lap.

“Molly, you’ve having a bad time, aren’t you?” she asked the little one.

“She just melted into me,” Harris said. “Once I had validated HER feelings and realized she was having trouble coping with our morning routine, it opened the door for us to do something about it.”

Harris admitted to Molly that mornings were tough for her as well.

“Molly had no idea I was struggling with getting up, getting ready, getting her up and ready and getting us both where we needed to be in a short window of time. It had been a struggle because our agendas were different. Once we were able to communicate, things got progressively better,” Harris said.

Out of her own experience as well as those of clients she counsels, Harris developed eight tips for easing the morning rush. They all involve bringing children into the process of making changes in attitudes and behaviors.

- Identify the problem. — “Get to the cause of the behavior. Is your child afraid to go to school and face a bully that day? Is he or she worried about a test or about homework they didn’t finish last night? Is your child just someone who doesn’t have a morning person biology? Understanding the reason they don’t want to get up in the morning will help you know how to address the problem,” Harris said.

- Turn it upside-down. — “Instead of blaming and criticizing. Let your child know it’s OK to be who they are. Find something positive to say about a behavior.”

For the slow mover, for example, a parent might say, “You’re so lucky not to be one of those revved up, go-go-go people in the morning. People are going to love being around such a calm person.”

After the compliment, the parent may ask, “What do you think we could do to make things work out better in our mornings? Children often come up with great solutions, Harris said.

“When a child has some control over a situation, they are much more likely to focus on solving a problem,” Harris said. “Let them help make the rules or set the routine.”

- Avoid name-calling. — “Refrain from telling a child he or she is ‘poky, lazy, whiny, disorganized, bull-headed, crabby,’ or any other disparaging label. That blames the child for his character, reinforces those negative behaviors, and sets the child up to fail,” Harris said. “Children become what they are told they are.”

- Start the day with smiles. — “Instead of yelling or making threats to get children out of bed, try using a soft voice and a back rub. Give plenty of hugs and kisses. Exude calmness and happiness,” Harris said. “Nurturing helps the child ease into the day. Climb in bed beside them and snuggle for a couple of minutes. You might find it’s much easier for the child to get up and get going once you’ve set a calm, positive start to the day for both of you.”

- Own your part. — “Make sure your child understands it’s not their fault YOU get stressed out in the morning and lose your temper. Tell them you’re actually proud of them for refusing to bow to the demands and pressures you’ve put on them in the mornings, and that you’re going to change. They’ll look at you like you’re an alien — but you’ll definitely have their attention,” Harris said.

- Make a list. — “Give your child a buy-in to how the morning routine will go. Let them make suggestions for making things go more smoothly,” Harris said. List with your children the challenges they face before school. For example, sharing the bathroom, getting dressed, having breakfast, remembering homework, packing the backpack, remembering lunchboxes, and getting to the bus on time.

“Success starts the night before. Don’t wait until morning to pack lunches and backpacks. Sign off on homework the night before. Lay out clothing you and your child plan to wear the next day. Getting these details out of the way the night before may give you a few extra minutes to spend just talking with your child and giving the child extra attention he or she may need,” Harris said.

- Make a plan. — The slow mover may need to wake up 15 minutes earlier. The child who is spacey might need to lay out clothes the night before — or even sleep in a clean outfit. “Parents freak out when I suggest that, but sometimes, it works.”

- Write a contract. — Spell out what each person will do each morning. Post the contract in a common area. It helps keep everybody on track, Harris said.

Harris is an esteemed parenting educator and consultant, international speaker, and a pioneer in child behavior strategies. These tips are included in her new book is “Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids: 8 Principles for Raising Kids You'll Love to Live With” (Adams Media, Sept. 2008). Find out more about her at www.bonnieharris .com.