I’m sorry you lost your loved one

By Bev Davis
Register-Herald senior editor

July 25, 2008 09:27 pm

— Today, I will attend the funeral of a co-worker’s mom. The deceased is a woman I’ve known for many years.
Just days ago, another friend lost her mother, a woman I knew only through things my friend shared about her.
Having lost both parents and many friends and loved ones over the years, I’ve learned a great deal about grief.
Although it involves a time of loss and intense sadness, grief offers us rare times to connect with other people in a unique way.
Grief is a shared experience. Coming together in a time of sorrow doesn’t have to be frightening or distasteful. It offers us the challenge to be real.
One of the biggest things I’ve learned from my own experiences with grief is the need to be more careful about what I say to grieving loved ones.
Grief makes emotions especially fragile. Even the best-intended remarks may strike the bereaved much differently than we realize.
Take, for instance, my friend who lost a 4-year-old daughter who had suffered since birth from a rare, painful illness.
“You must be a really special person, or God would not have given you this child or allowed her to go through such suffering,” a dear friend told her as they stood by the tiny casket.
Although the comment was intended to be the highest compliment, it came across to a grieving mother as anything but.
Having buried both parents, I look back and remember the comments that consoled me most were those that made me feel connected with others who were mourning with me.
“I’m so sorry you lost your mom” connected me to the person speaking because I felt she was truly sharing my grief. “I really loved your dad, and I will miss him so much” made me feel less alone.
I loved it when people shared a memory of my loved one or told me a story about them. During the first few days following a death, we are not ready to stop talking about our loved one. We want to hang onto good times we remember, funny things they said or advice they gave us.
We don’t need to try to help a person “get over their grief.” They’ve lost someone dear. Grieving is the appropriate response. Let the survivors grieve. Grieve with them. Your presence and a hug — not only during the early days of mourning, but weeks and months later — will speak louder than your words.
— E-mail: bdavis@register-herald.com