Published: May 08, 2008 10:31 pm      

Even with boring pastor, church may be safest place to be

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.

He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?”

With astonishment in his voice, the little boy answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”

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An elderly woman walked into the local country church.

The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.

“The front row please,” she answered.

“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor is really boring.”

“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.

“No,” he said.

“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.

“Do you know who I am?” he asked.

“No,” she said.

“Good,” he answered.

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It’s almost impossible to be safe these days.

According to one American Health Association study, automobiles are blamed for some 20 percent of all fatal accidents.

But you can’t always stay healthy by staying home, either. Some 17 percent of all accidents occur in the home.

Taking a walk is about as dangerous; 14 percent of all accidents occur to pedestrians walking along streets and sidewalks.

You might also want to avoid traveling by air, rail or water because 16 percent of all accidents involve these forms of transportation.

Of the remaining 33 percent, 32 percent of deaths occur in hospitals. So I guess we should avoid hospitals if at all possible.

But you will be pleased to learn that only .001 percent of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are usually related to previous physical disorders. Therefore, logic tells us that the safest place for you to be at any given time is in church.

It might even save your life.

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There’s no question that children see things differently.

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room.

When he was spotted, the room was filled with undressed women who burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The youngster watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter? Haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”

- - -

A woman was trying as hard as she could to get the ketchup to come out of the glass container.

During her struggle, the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer it.

“It’s the minister, Mommy,” the child said to her mother.

Then she added, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

- - -

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”

- - -

One of the steady customers of a plush restaurant was a fussy and prissy sort of fellow, and a notorious under-tipper.

One day a new waitress waited on him and received a 3-cent tip for her efforts.

Waiting upon this same fellow the next day the waitress thanked him for his “generosity” and said that she could tell about the character of a diner by the way he tipped.

“Tell me about it,” said the customer.

“Well,” said the waitress, “you laid three pennies in a neat row, and that tells me that you are a very neat person; the first penny in the row tells me that you are frugal and saving; and the second penny tells me that you are a bachelor.”

She hesitated, and the young customer said, “That’s all very true, and I am proud that I have not married yet and I’m 30 years old; but what does the third penny tell you?”

Hurriedly she said, “The third penny tells me that your father was a bachelor, too.”

- - -

A young lawyer pleading his first case had been retained by a farmer to prosecute a railway company for killing 24 hogs.

He wanted to impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury.

“Twenty-four hogs, gentlemen! Twice the number there is in the jury box.”

- - -

Top o’ the morning!

— Blankenship is a columnist for The Register-Herald.

E-mail: jabbb@suddenlink.net