Published: January 01, 2006 11:38 pm      

A smorgasbord of sensationalism

This Side of the Fence column

Happy New Year! My faithful dog Malachai and I started off 2006 in grand style by marching in Lewisburg’s 150th version of its care-free, come-as-you-are Shanghai parade. Afterward, Malachai publicly signed rough draft copies of his modest first novel: “Christian — Dog’s Best Friend.”

Not much happening locally, so let’s take a scan across the U.S. at some of the stranger stories reported by The Associated Press which may have gone under the radar screen during the holidays. Here’s wishing you a prosperous and successful year — may you be lucky in love and family. Carpe Diem 2006.

Nothin’ says lovin’ like a bullet to the brain

After asking to be excused from work because of a headache, a 53-year-old Florida man went to the hospital last week and doctors found a bullet lodged in his skull.

Apparently, his 65-year-old girlfriend shot him in the head while sleeping the night before in an attempt to kill him. She later committed suicide while on the phone with authorities.

From his hospital bed, a TV news team interviewed him and the man said the couple had planned to marry this year and “she told me she loved me and all that.”

I can no longer lay claim to the title: “Most gullible man in the United States.” I relinquish my throne to him.

I wonder what wine goes with that?

Kansas police are still on the lookout for 23-year-old Marlon Brando Gill, who has been charged with felony assault after allegedly shoving a cell phone down his girlfriend’s throat.

At first, investigators were led to believe that Melinda Abell had swallowed the cell phone in a fit after her boyfriend asked for it.

But after surgery — when authorities could understand what she was saying —Melinda told a much different story on how the cell phone got there.

She said an enraged Marlon Brando had shoved it down her mouth after an argument.

Prosecutors are seeking a $100,000 bond whenever the cops can catch up to Marlon Brando, who is a cell phone salesman.

I saw this guy’s picture and he looks like a wimp. He definitely needs to get his name changed. Guys who terrorize women ought to be strung up and shot.

Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Two Montana police officers were suspended for two weeks without pay after taking packets of Levitra — an erectile dysfunction medicine — from the station’s evidence room. A third officer was suspended over not reporting the incident to superiors.

The medicine had been logged into the station’s books under “found property.”

Calling the mishandling of the medicine “totally unacceptable,” the town’s chief of police said last week no charges would be filed against the officers.

Everybody needs an adult time-out at some point in their lives.

And the check is in the mail

After crashing into a post office building last week, an Arkansas woman claims that an aerosol can rolled underneath the car’s brake pedal, leaving her unable to stop.

Dorothy Faye Porchia, 48, was unhurt in the incident and post office authorities kept business running as usual.

She said a can of deodorant, which helped her keep her car clean, fell off the seat and rolled under the brake.

She must not have been driving one of the giant SUVs, or otherwise the building would have been demolished. By the looks of her last name, she was probably driving a little sports car.

That’s more than I need to see

A Pennsylvania high school teacher was arrested last month on charges of open lewdness, possession of marijuana and oxycodone, and assaulting an officer.

When authorities found the 23-year-old standing “au naturel” in the snow outside his home, they asked him where he lived and why he was without any clothes.

He said he was Jesus Christ and that the officer must be God.

Well, buddy, I guess you get what you pay for. This is why children should be advised not to do drugs.

— Christian is the Greenbrier County Register-Herald reporter and just got a new mouser named “Toffey.”